Often when we talk about grief it is in the context of losing a loved one. Yet grief processes can occur when there is any form of a loss. A loss that many people experience when they are doing body image work is loss of connection to an ideal or smaller body. For some people they may have at some point been a smaller size, and their body has since changed and they are grieving the loss that they may never be that body shape or size again. Others may never had been that size, but held out some hope that maybe, one day, if they work hard enough or have enough will power they will get there. Their body image journey involves grieving the loss of that hope.

I sadly have experienced loss of loved ones, multiple times, I decided to explore the similarities of grief processes between the grief of loss of a loved one, and body ideal grief.

My father passed away suddenly of a heart attack in 2021. It was a shock to everyone. As far as we all knew he was healthy. He was active. He ate well. He did all the things that we are told to do in order to live a long healthy life. Yes, we were all lulled into the assumption that if you do those things you will live to a ripe old age. Dad’s death didn’t fit with this assumption. It made it harder to make sense of his death. How can it be? I thought he was healthy?.

I turn my head and look at diet culture. There are similar assumptions and rules. If you eat the right foods and are active enough, you will lose weight or be a small to average size. Confusion also arises when we do the things that we are told to do, but our bodies don’t follow. We don’t lose the weight. Again, the thoughts, how can it be?

The mind naturally looks to the world around, and compares, to try to make sense of what has happened, but it inevitably fuels anger. Looking around I would see people who weren’t following the health rules that we have been told, and they were living long lives. I’d see people who were not good people, and whom treated others very poorly also living long lives. My anger and frustration grew. It is not fair! Why him?! How is it that those other people can do the “bad” things and still be alive, while my father a good healthy man was struck down?! He shouldn’t have died. He should be alive!

Again, I turn my gaze to the world we live in and the messages we receive about the body and food. I see the same comparison, frustration, confusion and anger. That person is doing the things and losing weight, why can’t I? Or that person is not doing the things, and their body is small/average, What is wrong with mine? My body shouldn’t look this way. I should be able to change it.

After dad died, my mind went over the times in my life when I wasn’t as connected to him and took his presence for granted. Looking back, I felt sadness, guilt and shame. I had the thoughts of ‘I should have spent more time with him’, and ‘I should have been more grateful’. It is time I will never get back.

Gazing at body ideal grief, people look back at their lives. The time, energy and money spent pursuing weight loss at the cost of other things in their life. All the times when they held back or said no to something they wanted to do because of fears or worries about food or their body. Time they can’t get back. Sadness, guilt and shame arise, as does thoughts of ‘I shouldn’t have said no’, or ‘I should have done that’.

After dad’s death, my mind also raced to the future and all the things that would no longer be. The plans for him to come to Canada for my 40th, me to come to Australia for his birthday, or him one day walking me down the aisle to give me away at my wedding. All to never be. This one still comes up when different events arise. The urge to make the call to share, celebrate or commiserate, can no longer be made. This is not how I saw things unfolding. The story has been forced to change.

Turning my gaze to the body grief, people have stories and images in their mind of how their life will be when they lose the weight or get to the ideal. Letting go of chasing the ideal, means letting go of these stories and images. When they go places or do things that were previously connected to those stories they feel sad. This is not how the story or image was originally written.

The death of my father left me an orphan, as my mother had died in 2007. Even though I am very much an independent adult, the realization of being an orphan made me feel like I was lost in the ocean, completely untethered. My safety nets gone. Nowhere to go if/when the shit hits the fan. The only adult left in the room is me. Who do I turn to? Which is weird to think, especially as it had been such a long time since I had turned to my parents for advice or guidance. Yet having the option removed was scary.

Stepping out of diet culture, and finding your own way in relation to food and body can feel like you are lost in the ocean, untethered. The food and body rules of diet culture, while restricting provided a sense of control or comfort, that are particularly alluring when there is uncertainty. Letting go of those rules feels scary.

Grief is also tiring. I didn’t realize this and had forgotten about it until one of my friends mentioned it to me when they were sharing their own experience of grief. It was confusing but true, especially in the first year after dad’s death everything felt harder and more tiring. My brain was like a computer, and in the background there was always a program running that was pulling away resources; grief. It was running whether I was consciously thinking about dad or not. My brain was processing what had happened, and what that meant for me. What does a life without my dad mean for me?

Grieving the body ideal is also tiring. You might not be thinking about the body or food all the time, but that system is still running in the background. Trying to make sense of it all. What does it mean for me to no longer have this in my life?

Society is really not great at navigating grief. People’s discomfort with my grief was visible. I would literally see people recoil. People would try to stay away from the topic, or if they stumbled into it would try to get away from it as fast as they could (yet within a socially acceptable range). I get it, talking to someone who has experienced loss inevitably makes you think about your own potential losses, and that is uncomfortable and you want to get away from it. Another response I would get is that they would try to cheer me up/put a positive spin. Again, I get the intent behind this response but it was extremely invalidating and irritating. My dad was a part of my life and someone that I cared about, dismissing or trying to move away from my grief was like dismissing or moving away from my memories of him. As painful as it was to sit in it, I needed it.

Letting go and grieving the ideal is also isolating, especially if you are surrounded by people still clinging to diet culture. There will be people who won’t want to talk to you about your body journey, and the pain of letting go. They won’t want to sit with you in the pain, as it may bring up their own experiences with their body and food that they may not be ready to face. The trying to cheer you up, may take the form of trying to pull you back into diet culture. Try this diet, supplement, exercise, plan. It is not easy to sit with someone as they let go of something that was important to them, but not sitting with it conveys the message that it is not important.

There is so much more to grief than what I have written here. Also, these are words. They don’t fully capture the whole body emotional experience that grief brings. Does grief processes apply to the body? Absolutely. I am not saying the grief is absolutely the same, no grief is. Yet there are similar processes we see happening. In seeing the similarities we can make sense of what we are experiencing, validate it and know that we are not alone.

Grief is not something you fix or get rid of. It is something you move through. Something that over time occupies less space, or occupies it in a different way. I still have days where I have thoughts, memories or emotions in relation to loved ones lost, just like people will have days that they have thoughts, memories or emotions about their body. Building your ability to compassionately respond to the pain helps. It doesn’t mean you end up wallowing in it (though it can sometimes feel like that). With the more space I allowed my grief and the more compassion I received (from myself and others), the pain shifted. A warmth came in with it, which allowed me to move forward, holding my grief (as opposed to it dragging me down or holding me back).

There is a great podcast by The Anti-Diet Club that has a look at the stages of grief in relation to the body. Check that episode, and their other episodes out.

Have you ever started to do exercise or an activity only because it is “the best way to burn calories” or “the fastest way to a flat stomach?”, or something along those lines? Have you ever started an activity and initially enjoyed it, but then found rules increasingly creeping in, such as “I have to exercise everyday” or “I have to do at least 40minutes”?

If you answered “yes” to either or both of those questions, what was your level of enjoyment of the activity? How did it change over time? And how long did you continue to do it?

For a lot of people, when they engage in activity in these ways they enjoyment of the activity drops, it starts to feel more like a chore, and over time it becomes harder and harder to keep doing it and eventually falls out of their routine. In place of enjoyment is often stress (“what if I can’t find time for exercise?”, “what if I don’t lose weight?”), and guilt or shame (“I’m not doing enough because my weight hasn’t changed”, “I’m bad, I haven’t exercised for a couple of days”). When the activity falls out of routine (which isn’t surprising because it wasn’t enjoyable), the door is opened to further self guilt and shaming, such as “I never stick at anything. I have no willpower”. This over time can impact openness to return to activity or to try something new. The mind may say, “why bother? I am just going to quit in a few weeks time anyway”. Not fun. Not enjoyable.

But what if moving your body doesn’t have to be that way? What if moving your body can be about enjoyment, as opposed to losing weight or shaping the body?

When we start to let go of the body focus and rules, our attention broadens, and we start to notice more. In noticing more, we can notice things that we enjoy (or not) about movement. Instead of staring at the numbers on the treadmill, you may get absorbed in a podcast or audiobook, you may rock out to music, or you may enjoy how it feels to move your body. Or you may choose a different activity all together as with the increased information gained from the broadening focus you realize there isn’t anything you enjoy about it.

When we engage in movement because we enjoy it, we start to look forward to doing it and want to do it more. It doesn’t feel as much like a chore (most of the time). That being said, even the most enjoyable activities can feel like a chore at times, or less enjoyable. That is ok. We are human, we are going to experience fluctuations (more on that in an upcoming blog Joyful Movement That You Wont Always Enjoy). The focus of this post is more about breaking out of rule governed and/or body changing focus of movement.

So, let’s move towards loosening our grip on the rules and body focus, and reconnect with the enjoyment of movement. A step towards this taking time to think about when you have enjoyed moving your body or exercise, and what it is was that you enjoyed. It may have been you enjoyed moving your body to music and dancing, or you may have enjoyed feeling strong when lifting weights, or you may have enjoyed the social aspect of team sports, or you enjoyed the sense of productivity after a thorough clean of the house. Everyone is different. Pause, what have you enjoyed?

If you can’t think of times you have enjoyed movement because it just has never been your thing, or it has always been attached to weight loss and burning calories, take a moment to think of anything that you would like to try?

Once you have identified what you have previously liked, or things you would like to try, you can start to explore ways that you can connect with that. It may be signing up for a class or connecting with a local club, or something from the privacy of your own home. It doesn’t have to be big. You don’t have to sign up to a whole dance class, you can turn a song on at home and rock out to it. Break things into smaller pieces if something seems too big or you are unsure. Remember this is about letting go of the rules, experimenting and trying to find where the enjoyment is for you.

One of the challenges when looking online or reaching out to clubs, is often you will encounter people who are rule and/or body focused. Some people are able to disregard this, and stay connected to their own journey of enjoying movement, while others find themselves getting pulled into or reacting in someway to it (I find I get irritated and angry at it). If you are more of the latter, it can be helpful to find people and communities who are also focused more on enjoyment, as opposed to calorie burning. If you find those communities, share and let others know, so they can also join in the fun.

When you feel yourself being pulled back to the rules (which you will because those thoughts have been there for a long time and those around you may speak the rules), take a moment to ask yourself the following;

• Have those rules or body focus been helpful in the past (both short term & long term)? Have they brought you enjoyment? Have they been sustainable?
• What do you want movement to be about for you?

If following those old rules hasn’t been helpful in the past, they probably won’t be in the future. If following the old rules, doesn’t bring you closer to what you want movement to be about for you, it doesn’t make sense to hold on to them.

Let go of, or hold lightly, the rules and connect with what you enjoy. Go have fun!

I love the holiday season. For me it is about spending time with loved ones. I have cherished memories of Christmases with people who have since passed away, and each year I make new memories with the people who have entered my life.

Yet, as much as I love the holiday season, there are a number of things that get under my skin at this time of year. One of the big ones is the amount of comments about food and body. Many people making these comments struggle to understand that a comment is unhelpful, especially if they perceive the comment as a compliment or in the best interest another person. Some examples of unhelpful comments are:

• “Oh, you look like you have lost weight!”
• “I wish I could be as good as you, and have the willpower to not eat that”
• “How do you maintain a figure like that, and still eat those?”
• “I am going to have to hit the gym hard after this to burn it all off”
• “Are you going to eat all that?”
• “You shouldn’t eat that. It is bad”
• “Did you see them? Wow, they have gained a lot of weight”
• “I am just worried about your health.”

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but are just some examples many encounter at this time of year (and throughout the year). A theme within these examples is that restriction and being a smaller size is “good” and “healthy”. While not restricting, and being larger is “bad”, “unhealthy”, and in need of “fixing” with physical activity of future dieting.

What happens when food & body comments are made?

• Attention to the appearance and the body. When appearance and body is given the focus, all other aspects of the person often gets pushed to the side. The person and your connection with them in that moment is purely at that body level. Who they are as a person, values they hold, interests they enjoy, actions they have taken, stories they have to tell all become take a back seat to how they look. This not only limits the connection, but also can make people feel very self and body conscious, which can pull them out of the present moment and take away some enjoyment.
• Judgment is made about what is right/best for the body. Our bodies are capable of so much. The human body has all these incredible systems that are capable of establishing and maintaining what the body needs. Comments of others are not part of these complex systems. In fact, weight discriminatory comments often hinder the body’s ability to maintain many of the systems, as it puts the body into a stress response. Basically, the body is capable of knowing what is right for it, and even if there is a system (or more) that is out of whack, it is for that person and their health care providers to determine what course of action is best. Commenting is not helpful, and can be harmful.
• Moralistic terms are introduced, and then become applied to food, food behaviour and the body. When people start to label foods as “bad”, “good”, “junk” or “clean”, those around them may also start having thoughts about the food. Food that a second ago may have happily been eaten. Everyone is pulled out of the enjoyment of the moment, and into thinking and judging. Not only are people thinking and worrying about the food itself, but they also start worrying about judgment of food behaviour and body. Such as, “are they going to think I’m being a guts if I have some more of that?”. Again, moving people further away from enjoying the moment and connecting with each other. All the while, that food at the heart of the discussion may have been food that someone spent hours creating, or even if they didn’t spent hours they took the time to either make or get that food they are sharing with you. That food may have been a recipe passed down generations. That food could be something another person is excited to share with you as a way of sharing their love, traditions or culture. That offer of connection though food is pushed aside based on rules that they have absorbed from diet culture.

Basically, when comments are made about food and body we are pulled out of connecting with one another and creating memories and traditions, and into a strict rule governed realm that creates stress and shame for all those entering it. The holiday season can be stressful enough, why add that extra level to it?

That being said, we have all been emersed in diet culture where such comments are the norm, and thus it may take time to really move away from unhelpful food and body comments. We need to be kind and gentle with ourselves and others as we learn and grow. Stay tuned for Part 2 when I talk about actions you can take in response to comments.