The holiday season can bring up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. For some, they absolutely love this time of year. For others, it is a tough time of year that may bring up painful memories or draw attention to loss. For those who struggle with food and body, it can bring a minefield of experiences to navigate. Many end up just trying to ‘white knuckle’ their way through it. Just trying to survive and struggling to connect with the joy. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Food and body comments
One of the more common challenges people encounter, or worry about, is comments about food and body. These comments may take the form of a compliment “You look great?! Have you lost weight?”. While this may be well intended it draws attention to a person’s body, thus can make them more self/body conscious and can raise thoughts of “what, did I not look good before?”. Other comments may be about what a person is eating/not eating (such as “should you be eating that?”), or comments about some form of compensatory behaviour (such as “I am going to have to get back on my diet or go to the gym more come January”). These comments draw attention to food and body and create self-doubt and judgment.
Body and food comments can come from a well-intended place (such as trying to compliment someone, trying to connect, being concerned about their health, or a habit from living in diet culture), but are generally very unhelpful. It is understandable due to the hurt these comments can create people may get frustrated and angry, and maybe aggressively respond to the comment. Yet often this doesn’t help either, as the message gets lost in the anger.
So what do we do?
If you are someone who has tended to comment on diet and body as a way of complimenting, connecting, or helping in the past, note that while well intended the comments are not helpful and may not land as intended. Look for other ways that you can compliment, and connect that are not about the person’s body. If you are trying to help, maybe take a moment to think if your comments are actually helpful or are they based in weight bias, and acknowledge that the person may not want or need that kind of help. Basically, the more we connect with each other as people, and the less we are focused on the judgment of food and body, the better.
If you are someone who has been on the receiving end of comments or are worried that someone will make a comment, it can be helpful to plan in advance how you want to respond. Depending on the person and the situation different responses may be called for. Sometimes it can be helpful to respond to the comment by sharing how it landed and what you would prefer (such as “I know you were probably meaning well, but I feel really uncomfortable when people talk about my body or diet, could we please talk about something else?”). This kind of response may not be suited to all situations, and sometimes a redirection or change of topic may be helpful. Coming prepared with potential responses and possible alternate topics to talk about reduces the pressure to think on your feet.
If a comment is made, try to interrupt the thinking spiral that can often follow. You may need to take some time to breathe and calm yourself, or you may need to actively pull your mind out of its train of thought and give it something else to focus on (such as your breath, the music, what you see around you). If you have support, you can turn to them to help you navigate different situations. Take a moment to think about who you want to be over the holiday period and the memories you want to create and connect with that.
Being Seen
“I am obsessing over how I look and what people are going to think”
If you identify with that statement you are definitely not alone. There are so many people around the world who are stressed about all the gatherings they have, who they are going to be seeing, and the photos that are going to be taken. Our attention can zoom in on how we are going to look and what others will see.
We may try to talk ourselves down, and say “don’t worry about that” or “you shouldn’t care what others think”, but we are social creatures. It makes sense that we want to connect with others and worry when we think the connection may be threatened. So when those thoughts appear (which they likely will because we live in an appearance-focused diet culture world) be gentle and compassionate with yourself. The thoughts make sense in the world we live in.
Then take a moment to think about someone you are looking forward to seeing or spending time with over the holiday season. Think about why you are looking forward to spending time with them. Notice how you feel even thinking about them. Then note that this is how other people feel about you. They are looking forward to seeing you and connecting with who you are, not how you look. Keeping that in mind, think about what is important to you and how you want others to feel around you. What are actions or steps you can take to demonstrate what is important to you and help people feel a certain way in your presence? When your mind goes towards appearance, which it will acknowledge that the thoughts make sense and that you want to focus more on who you are and the actions you take.
The Holiday Season You Want
To move from just surviving the holiday season to thriving involves identifying what you want this time of year to be about, and who you want to be during the holiday season. From there you can work on small steps you can take to be the person you want to be and create the memories you want to have.
Whatever you want this time of year to be about, make sure you are creating space and time to look after yourself. Sometimes we can get swept into expectations of seeing and doing a lot of things and putting pressure on ourselves to have things perfect, and this can take the enjoyment out of the season. So watch your expectations and take care of yourself.
In years to come when people are reflecting back on their holiday memories, it is the actions taken and how people felt and connected that will be remembered, and cherished. Not appearance.
drsarahpegrum 