Often when we talk about grief it is in the context of losing a loved one. Yet grief processes can occur when there is any form of a loss. A loss that many people experience when they are doing body image work is loss of connection to an ideal or smaller body. For some people they may have at some point been a smaller size, and their body has since changed and they are grieving the loss that they may never be that body shape or size again. Others may never had been that size, but held out some hope that maybe, one day, if they work hard enough or have enough will power they will get there. Their body image journey involves grieving the loss of that hope.
I sadly have experienced loss of loved ones, multiple times, I decided to explore the similarities of grief processes between the grief of loss of a loved one, and body ideal grief.
My father passed away suddenly of a heart attack in 2021. It was a shock to everyone. As far as we all knew he was healthy. He was active. He ate well. He did all the things that we are told to do in order to live a long healthy life. Yes, we were all lulled into the assumption that if you do those things you will live to a ripe old age. Dad’s death didn’t fit with this assumption. It made it harder to make sense of his death. How can it be? I thought he was healthy?.
I turn my head and look at diet culture. There are similar assumptions and rules. If you eat the right foods and are active enough, you will lose weight or be a small to average size. Confusion also arises when we do the things that we are told to do, but our bodies don’t follow. We don’t lose the weight. Again, the thoughts, how can it be?
The mind naturally looks to the world around, and compares, to try to make sense of what has happened, but it inevitably fuels anger. Looking around I would see people who weren’t following the health rules that we have been told, and they were living long lives. I’d see people who were not good people, and whom treated others very poorly also living long lives. My anger and frustration grew. It is not fair! Why him?! How is it that those other people can do the “bad” things and still be alive, while my father a good healthy man was struck down?! He shouldn’t have died. He should be alive!
Again, I turn my gaze to the world we live in and the messages we receive about the body and food. I see the same comparison, frustration, confusion and anger. That person is doing the things and losing weight, why can’t I? Or that person is not doing the things, and their body is small/average, What is wrong with mine? My body shouldn’t look this way. I should be able to change it.
After dad died, my mind went over the times in my life when I wasn’t as connected to him and took his presence for granted. Looking back, I felt sadness, guilt and shame. I had the thoughts of ‘I should have spent more time with him’, and ‘I should have been more grateful’. It is time I will never get back.
Gazing at body ideal grief, people look back at their lives. The time, energy and money spent pursuing weight loss at the cost of other things in their life. All the times when they held back or said no to something they wanted to do because of fears or worries about food or their body. Time they can’t get back. Sadness, guilt and shame arise, as does thoughts of ‘I shouldn’t have said no’, or ‘I should have done that’.
After dad’s death, my mind also raced to the future and all the things that would no longer be. The plans for him to come to Canada for my 40th, me to come to Australia for his birthday, or him one day walking me down the aisle to give me away at my wedding. All to never be. This one still comes up when different events arise. The urge to make the call to share, celebrate or commiserate, can no longer be made. This is not how I saw things unfolding. The story has been forced to change.
Turning my gaze to the body grief, people have stories and images in their mind of how their life will be when they lose the weight or get to the ideal. Letting go of chasing the ideal, means letting go of these stories and images. When they go places or do things that were previously connected to those stories they feel sad. This is not how the story or image was originally written.
The death of my father left me an orphan, as my mother had died in 2007. Even though I am very much an independent adult, the realization of being an orphan made me feel like I was lost in the ocean, completely untethered. My safety nets gone. Nowhere to go if/when the shit hits the fan. The only adult left in the room is me. Who do I turn to? Which is weird to think, especially as it had been such a long time since I had turned to my parents for advice or guidance. Yet having the option removed was scary.
Stepping out of diet culture, and finding your own way in relation to food and body can feel like you are lost in the ocean, untethered. The food and body rules of diet culture, while restricting provided a sense of control or comfort, that are particularly alluring when there is uncertainty. Letting go of those rules feels scary.
Grief is also tiring. I didn’t realize this and had forgotten about it until one of my friends mentioned it to me when they were sharing their own experience of grief. It was confusing but true, especially in the first year after dad’s death everything felt harder and more tiring. My brain was like a computer, and in the background there was always a program running that was pulling away resources; grief. It was running whether I was consciously thinking about dad or not. My brain was processing what had happened, and what that meant for me. What does a life without my dad mean for me?
Grieving the body ideal is also tiring. You might not be thinking about the body or food all the time, but that system is still running in the background. Trying to make sense of it all. What does it mean for me to no longer have this in my life?
Society is really not great at navigating grief. People’s discomfort with my grief was visible. I would literally see people recoil. People would try to stay away from the topic, or if they stumbled into it would try to get away from it as fast as they could (yet within a socially acceptable range). I get it, talking to someone who has experienced loss inevitably makes you think about your own potential losses, and that is uncomfortable and you want to get away from it. Another response I would get is that they would try to cheer me up/put a positive spin. Again, I get the intent behind this response but it was extremely invalidating and irritating. My dad was a part of my life and someone that I cared about, dismissing or trying to move away from my grief was like dismissing or moving away from my memories of him. As painful as it was to sit in it, I needed it.
Letting go and grieving the ideal is also isolating, especially if you are surrounded by people still clinging to diet culture. There will be people who won’t want to talk to you about your body journey, and the pain of letting go. They won’t want to sit with you in the pain, as it may bring up their own experiences with their body and food that they may not be ready to face. The trying to cheer you up, may take the form of trying to pull you back into diet culture. Try this diet, supplement, exercise, plan. It is not easy to sit with someone as they let go of something that was important to them, but not sitting with it conveys the message that it is not important.
There is so much more to grief than what I have written here. Also, these are words. They don’t fully capture the whole body emotional experience that grief brings. Does grief processes apply to the body? Absolutely. I am not saying the grief is absolutely the same, no grief is. Yet there are similar processes we see happening. In seeing the similarities we can make sense of what we are experiencing, validate it and know that we are not alone.
Grief is not something you fix or get rid of. It is something you move through. Something that over time occupies less space, or occupies it in a different way. I still have days where I have thoughts, memories or emotions in relation to loved ones lost, just like people will have days that they have thoughts, memories or emotions about their body. Building your ability to compassionately respond to the pain helps. It doesn’t mean you end up wallowing in it (though it can sometimes feel like that). With the more space I allowed my grief and the more compassion I received (from myself and others), the pain shifted. A warmth came in with it, which allowed me to move forward, holding my grief (as opposed to it dragging me down or holding me back).
There is a great podcast by The Anti-Diet Club that has a look at the stages of grief in relation to the body. Check that episode, and their other episodes out.
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