We Need to Change the Dialogue

In the work I do, personally and professionally, I talk a lot about and connecting with values and what is important. In a previous post I encouraged people to reflect upon what they identify as making a person ‘good’ in different roles (i.e. what makes a good parent, or good partner or good friend?), to draw attention how the things that are important to us, are often not related to weight (despite what our minds tell us).

Yet the dialogues that happen around us, that we are a part of, impede us from feeling safe to connect with what is important, and in turn genuinely connect with the world and other people. Let us take a moment to think of different ways the dialogue moves towards weight, and away from values and away from creating safety.

Can you recall a time:

  • Where you, or someone you know, hadn’t seen someone for awhile, and one of the first comments they make to the person or about them is weight or body related (e.g. ‘you look like you have lost weight.’ or ‘I saw them the other day, and they have really put on some weight’). Here is a person who you haven’t seen in some time, who knows what struggles and successes they may have had in that time, and instead of talking about that the talk moves to weight. It sends a strong message of what is more important- weight is important, not what you have been through since I last saw you.
  • Where it is a time of celebration and connection, not surprisingly there is food at that time- as food is often how we celebrate and connect. Instead of talking about enjoying the food, the company and the event- the focus of conversation moves to the weight that may be gained during that time, or the diets a person will need to go on to compensate for what they just ate. Again, weight and diet is moved ahead of the people, connection and celebration.
  • Of New Years celebrations and the discussion moves to reflection and new years resolutions, and thus there is discussion around diet, exercise and weight. The success of year is marked by weight and food- not who a person is and the actions they have taken in that year.
  • There is a group of people talking, a person who is overweight speaks or tries to speak, only to be quickly cut off, spoken over or laughed at for what they said. The message of, ‘you don’t deserve to speak’ is conveyed.
  • A new person is being brought to a group (for example through dating, friendship circles or work) and all eyes move to their body. Later people ask about their thoughts on the new person, and the conversation moves to their weight. Again the message is their weight matters more than who they are as a person.

Some or all of those instances may be familiar to you. You may recall many more that convey similar messages. You may have been hurt by the actions, or you may have been the one driving the conversations. If you were hurt by these kinds of these situations, I send you warmth and compassion, and hope that the experiences didn’t stop you from being you. If you were the one driving the conversations, be gentle on yourself, we have been conditioned to respond in that way and we can always change.

How do we change? That is a hard one to answer, as the context and type of interaction may impact what you can do. If you are someone who usually starts the weight or diet based conversations, please try to refrain and instead move towards other topics of conversation. Show curiosity. Ask what is happening in the person’s life or move the discussion to what they are interested in or shared interests or current affairs or shows/movies or books.

If these styles of interactions are happening around you, you could directly challenge them, or say you don’t feel comfortable with that conversation, or gently divert the conversation away from that topic, or remove yourself from the discussion. Sometimes it is not possible to confront nor change what is happening, and if this occurs, do the next best thing- reach out and connect with the person(s) who may have been hurt by such an interaction. Not out of pity, but out of solidarity. Out of wanting to let them know that they matter, not because of how they look but because of who they are.

Move your interactions towards connecting with people for who they are, and if you aren’t sure who they are, then ask. Find out what brings them joy and lights them up, and connect with that. Everyone has a unique story to tell and something special to give, they just need a space where they can feel safe enough to shine. So let us join together, change the dialogue and create a space to shine.

Step into the Playground

For years I have heard stories, both in my clinical room and outside of it, of people putting things on hold or holding back because of how they feel about their weight. The stories that begin with ‘when I lose weight I will…’ or ‘I can’t until…’. But as we wait, the world rolls on. People grow old. Opportunities and experiences come and go.

The image that comes to mind is of a child, standing on the edge of the playground watching all the other children play. Waiting. Separated from the other children by this barrier of societal construction of weight. The child stays there. Watching. Waiting for weight. The image saddens me for so many reasons. I am sad for the child looking in at all the other children on the playground, feeling disconnected and missing out. I feel sad for the children in the playground, because they are missing out on being able to play with that awesome little child. I feel sad because our time of the playground is so fleeting. How much of that fleeting time is to be lost to standing outside looking in?

What if we can take steps towards removing that barrier, and move towards playing with the other children in the playground? I get excited and happy and the prospect of that.

Let us try to take steps to take that barrier down.

Exercise: Think of a role that you hold in your life that is important to you. It may be as a parent, a child, a sibling, a partner, a friend, a teammate, a colleague, a student, or something else. Now think about what someone who is really good in that role is like. What are key things that make a person good in that role (e.g. what makes a good parent, or good friend, or good partner)? Write it down.

Now look at that list. Is weight on it? Are the things on it weight dependent or can action be taken towards then regardless of where a person’s weight is? For example, loving, kind or compassionate often come up when I ask people about different roles. No matter what your weight is, you can be loving, kind and compassionate to another person.

Looking at that list, are there steps you can take towards any of those things on that list? Doesn’t have to be a big step. It can be a baby step.

This is the beginning of pulling away that barrier. You can step into that playground. You don’t need to stand on the outside, waiting. Take a small step. Let us see what can happen.

Body Image: Time to Let go of The Rulebook

I think when we talk about body image we do so in a way that can really minimize it. I am definitely guilt of that, especially in my earlier years when I was completing my studies. Body image struggles are attached to a certain part of the population, and are thought to have a certain narrow effect. When I was first looking at body image it was in the context of eating disorders. In this narrow realm the main focus was on how negative body image impacts behaviour around food, weight and body. While discourse has acknowledge that body image struggles are not only an experience of those with an eating disorder, but rather a significant portion of the population are dissatisfied with their body, the discourse largely remains around weight and actions in relation to food and activity levels. That in and of itself does capture a lot and continued work is definitely needed there. BUT body image and its struggles goes significantly beyond that, and it’s impact on society is bigger than what we realize. It goes beyond whether I think I am fat or thin, and what clothes I decide to wear or whether or not to go to the gym. Struggles with body image around weight not only impacts how a person feels but also how, or if, they put themselves out there. People change their career path or don’t have a voice, because of how they feel about their weight. So many unspoken words. So much untapped potential. All because a bunch of rules that govern our sense of who can do what and when, that we are conditioned to believe because we have been exposed to it again and again and again.

But body image expands further than that, as it is not just about weight and shape. Let us bring gender into it as well. I have loved the conversations I have had in recent years with people from the LBGTQIA+ community, as they have opened my eyes to further elements of body image. On top of the messages and rules around weight, there are messages about masculinity and femininity. The rule book of how a person should look gets bigger. Then you add on top of that the colour of your skin. Your ethnicity. Again, more rules about how you should look like in order to have a voice or place in society. You can then add that finer details – your height, the colour of your hair, whether you choose to have tattoos or piercings. The book of rules and judgments continues to get thicker and thicker.

Based on all these rules and judgments, the image that comes to mind of someone who is successful, who can have a voice or a place in the world, and putting it more bluntly ‘has their shit together’ is so so so narrow. As a result there are very few people in the world who can look in the mirror without seeing something that sets off thoughts of ‘Nope. Not good enough. Not you’. Whether it is because of their weight, gender, ethnicity or the myriad of other things of the body that are used to judge. We have been conditioned to have these internal responses. And in the face of that, many feel like they can’t even try to have a voice or take up space…to be themselves to their true potential whatever that may be. As a result, how many voices are we not hearing? how much wisdom is being left unspoken? how much creativity is being kept hidden? how many connections are not being made? How much is the world being held back or robbed of incredible potential?

Because we have been conditioned to have these responses, over many years of constant and repeated exposure- they aren’t just going to go away easily. They are going to pop up. They are going to hang around. They are going to be resistant to anything that runs against them – at an individual and societal level. The more we take action even though we have those thoughts and feelings as we look in the mirror, the more we demonstrate to ourselves and those around us that all those rules and judgements aren’t helpful or true. How we look and the condition thoughts we have doesn’t have to stop us from having a voice or being who we want to be. It doesn’t stop us from being good people. It doesn’t stop us from being smart. It doesn’t stop us from being creative. It doesn’t stop us from being kind. It doesn’t stop us from being adventurous. It doesn’t stop us from being successful. In action we demonstrate to ourselves and the world that we are so much more than our body.

Beginnings

To all the amazing, smart, creative, funny, kind, adventurous, funky, compassionate souls who are out there, hiding in the shadows being held back from fully showing the world who you are because of the visible and invisible barriers society has put up, this page is for you.

Our minds, and society, can always find reasons for us to wait and not do something, but at what cost? Do we ever step out of that waiting, or is one excuse replaced with another, and then we feel like it is too late and the window has closed.

What if we don’t have to wait? What if we could break free of those shackles, and step out and shine? What sort of potential would be unleashed upon the world? I have no idea the answers to those questions, but a little fire ignites in my belly just thinking about it. I think of all the people who I have seen in my life shed those shackles and show the world who they really are, and it has been beautiful to see. I think of the times when I have been true to me and that me was pretty awesome. She took on the world. But it was scary, and not everyone liked her. She was different, and thus was pushed back into the shadows and shackled, safe.

So, this page, this blog, is my step towards not waiting anymore. Towards not allowing those ‘I can’t…until…’ or ‘what if’s’ to hold me back. Instead I am taking a step into the spotlight. I encourage you to join me. Keep an eye on this space as I will share some of the insights, skills and strategies that I have learned from years of being a psychologist, to help us all let go of waiting, and step towards who we want to be. Let us unleash our potential and shine.