I cried on the morning of the day I went wedding dress shopping.
I was never the kind of person who dreamed of a perfect wedding day or wedding dress. In fact, when I was 18, I told my dad I was unlikely to get married. And again, when I was 29 and about to attend my graduation ceremony, I told him this was “the big ceremony”. It wasn’t because I didn’t think I would find someone to love; it was that the whole wedding thing wasn’t my thing. So years later, when I got engaged, I figured I would be able to sidestep all those wedding pressures. Yet there I was in a wedding dress store with tears streaming down my face.
I’ll acknowledge that I was already vulnerable due to losses in my family, knowing there would be loved ones missing from my big day. Yet the grief tears came at other times. The tears that came that morning came from feeling the crushing weight of a multibillion-dollar industry and anticipating the scrutiny of my body.
The wedding industry has exploded in recent decades, with weddings becoming more and more elaborate. There is an intense focus on how everything looks, and the message is clear: the bride’s body better be ready. As soon as the algorithms get a whiff of the word “wedding,” weight loss and beauty ads flood your feed. Bridal boot camps. Get wedding-dress ready. Bridal glow-up. Lose weight in time for your wedding. Then come the comments from other people; research shows that one-third of brides are explicitly told to lose weight for their wedding. It is no wonder that 90% of women report trying to lose weight for their big day..
And if you are not conforming, then you are pushed towards “hiding” the “unsightly” parts of your body. The menu of options may shrink, and just like in the mainstream clothing industry, the body that is outside of the “ideal” may get shoved into something more frumpy to coverup.
On that morning, my mind raced with the anticipation of receiving judgmental looks, having my body scrutinized, and hearing comments about how it needed to be fixed, changed, or hidden. I hated the idea of my body being scrutinized or picked at. I also hated being forced into something that wasn’t me, just to hide what society has deemed unacceptable. I hated stepping into the jaws of the industry, and the fears and insecurities it was dragging out of me.
If you can’t ground yourself, surround yourself with people who can
Did you know that wedding dress sizes are 2-3 times larger than normal sizes? Whatever size you are used to wearing, bump that up a bit, and that may be what you will see on the dress. Fortunately, the bridal consultant was quick to prepare me for that. That, combined with her asking about me, my soon-to-be husband, and our wedding, helped bring me away from the jaws of the industry and back to my ‘why’ and what I wanted the day to be about. I was also lucky to have my amazing friends by my side, who brought the perfect mix of support and humor as I went through the rollercoast of emotions: from tears to laughter and everything in between.
Capturing What Matters
Looking good for the wedding photos is often thrown around as a reason to lose weight or “fix” our bodies, driven by the idea that these pictures are what we will look back on forever. Of course I wanted to look good on my wedding day and in the photos, but I didn’t want the photos to capture a version of me shaped by the pressure to look thinner or more “perfect”. I wanted them to capture me.
When I look at those photos years from now, I want to see the happiness we felt, the connections we shared, and experiences that made the day ours. I want to see two unique people celebrating their relationship in a way that reflected who we are. Not a carefully constructed version of what a wedding, or a bride is supposed to look like. I want to remember us, not a performance.
