Before we jump on into common comments that are made and different ways of navigating them, I want to draw attention to how the people around you who make comments about food and body are on their own journey with food, body and weight, and have also been surrounded by all kinds of food, body and weight messages. They may not be in the same place as you, or anywhere near where you are in relation to this stuff. But just like you, they deserve kindness and compassion. They are just another person finding their way. It can be really easy for conversations around food and body to get pulled into a right versus wrong, and get really heated, really quickly. But when that happens, no one gets heard and no one is happy. It pulls us all away from the holiday memories we want to create.
Planning and Conversations in Advance
Have a think in advance about what you may encounter over the holiday season based on your past experiences. It may be helpful to create a list. As you look at the list, asking yourself are there any of these that I could speak with people in advance about my concerns. Having a conversation in advance can go a long way towards preventing a heat of the moment clash, and can leave you to focus on what you want your Christmas to be about. Yet, understand that even if you speak to someone ahead of time, they are human and may forget or have a slip up. It doesn’t mean there was deliberate mal intent.
Body Comments (their own, yours, other people and general)
One of the most common group of comments that occur this time of the year (though also throughout the year) are comments about a person’s body. This could involve someone commenting about their own body, such as saying they have gained weight or that they feel fat. It could be comments made directly to you about your weight, such as complimenting your on weight loss, or scolding you for weight gain. Or could be comments about other people and their weight, or just body size in general. These comments generally have a theme of celebrating one particular body type, while vilifying others.
If you are able to speak to people in advance, you may let them know that you prefer the conversation stays away from weight and body, as that takes the enjoyment out of the moment and creates distress for you. You can say something like “Can we stay away from talking about body and weight? I get really pulled out of the holiday spirit when those kinds of comments are made. I really just want to focus on enjoying our time together”. You could also make a similar comment when weight related comments are made, if you are unable to speak to people in advance.
Alternatively, you can change the topic. Maybe even have a few pre-prepared statements or topics that you could move the conversation to.
Some people use weight related comments as an opportunity to share information about diet culture. While I am all for sharing information and challenging diet culture, I also like to be aware of time and place. It may not be a good time or place to launch into that information in that moment, so maybe even saying “I’ve started to look at weight and diet a bit differently. If you are interested, we can talk another time about it”.
Sometimes you may not be able to make a comment or do anything (for a whole variety of reasons). If you are unable to interrupt the conversation for whatever reason, switch to some self compassion to help you through the conversation and afterwards.
Moralizing Food and Diet Talk
Food moralization involves adding moral judgment to food and food behaviour. Evidence of it appears in the words we use when talking about food, such as “good”, “bad”, “junk”, “clean” , “healthy”, “unhealthy”, “should/shouldn’t”, “messed up”, and “blown it”, When we use these words, we increasingly emotionally react to the food and food behaviour. The labels used can easily spread to how we see ourselves (such as “I am bad”). It creates anxiety, guilt and shame.
Diet talk is related to moralizing food, and involves talk of restricting food or nutrients, or using excessive exercise to achieve a certain body type. Sometimes when people bring this talk to the holiday season they are focused on their actions alone, while other people may be trying to encourage others to engage in diet or exercise.
Similar to concerns about body and weight talk, having conversations in advance with loved ones about your concerns can be helpful. If unable to do so, it may be helpful to have a plan of what you would like to say when someone makes a comment, such as “Could we please not talk about diets?”.
Alternatively, you could make a comment that proposes approaching food in a neutral way, as opposed to moralistic. Such as, “I find I am able to enjoy my food more if I approach it just as food, not ‘good’ or ‘bad'”.
If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up, that is also ok. It isn’t always the time or the place. You can may direct the conversation to a different area or topic. Have some possible directions of conversation that you feel comfortable talking about.
Unhooking From the Spin
Whether you calmly suggest people don’t talk about body or food, or provide information about different ways to approach food and body, or the conversation moves on to a different direction, you may still find yourself a little rattled by the comment. This can lead to your mind racing, maybe judging your food or body, or getting angry at the other person. This in turn can impact your actions and your feelings, in a negative way.
It can be helpful to take a moment, slow down, and notice your breathe. What is important to you at this time of year? What do you want this time and gathering to be about? What way of responding would make future you proud? Use your answers to those questions to guide your next steps. It may involve connecting with the present moment and the people around you. It may involve speaking to the person afterwards about your concerns about their comments. You may need to step away for a moment to gather yourself. Do what feels right for and works for you.
This time of year can be tough for food and body related comments, but we can still find ways to be kind, connect and create meaningful memories.
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