I love doing values work in therapy. No matter which way I approach it I enjoy it. I enjoy seeing peoples eyes light up as they identify and connect with what is important to them.
Values are what is deeply important to you. They give life meaning, purpose, direction and vitality. They are different to goals, in that they are not something that can be achieved and ticked off a list. They are ongoing. Examples include, kindness, compassion, curiosity, openness, adventure, honesty, humor.
Yet doing values work is not without its struggles.
Common traps
- Following my values will always feel good. Sometimes value based actions feels good, but sometimes we have to do hard or scary things in order to move towards our values. Thus, value based actions don’t always feel good. Also, values are what is important to us. They are what we care about. When we care about things, we feel. When we feel connected to our values we may experience more pleasurable feelings, but when we are disconnected from our values or they are threatened, less pleasurable values will likely be experienced.
- I “should” value…. Sometimes when talking about values people talk about things they think they should value. They may identify a value as being important to them because it is important to those around them. One of the things I notice when this is occur is they say something is important, but there is no emotion behind it. They don’t light up when connected to it, nor do they feel fearful or sad when there are threats to it. Values don’t come from the head. They come from the heart. To identify values, you need to connect with your feelings. They will help guide you.
- I’m going to be perfect at that value. If you are someone who tends to be a perfectionist, you may throw yourself into your values trying to be the best you can possibly be. Any action that is inconsistent to the value is perceived as not good enough, and a failure. This trap takes the enjoyment out of the values journey. It also creates a lot of pressure, and a lot of guilt and shame when actions are inconsistent with values. Remember values are a guide for action. Not something to achieve or be the best in.
- Focusing on the big. While it can be great to have ambition and set big goals, sometimes when they are too big they become overwhelming. When they are overwhelming it can be hard to get moving, and even when you do take action you can find yourself becoming discouraged as you continue to feel distant from what you want despite putting a lot of effort in. Which brings me to another way of connecting with your values: everyday values.
Everyday Values
Everyday values involves breaking your values into small actions. Actions that could be taken every day or every week. What is great about everyday values is that they can give you a sense of being connected to what is important to you. They also let others know what is important to you, and possible ways of connecting with you. You can still have larger value based goals that you are striving for, and still connect with your everyday values.
Some examples of everyday values include;
- Adventure: try something new, like a new food or recipe.
- Kindness: hold a door open for someone.
- Courage: say what you would like when opportunity presents (such as choosing a movie or show, or food).
- Connection: Make eye contact, smile and say hello to someone you see.
- Humor: Look at some funny content online or on social media.
- Creativity: write or draw or create something little. Not to show anyone, but just to create.
- Curiosity: Ask a question. Learn a random fact.
Post and share your values to help others come up with ideas on their journey #everydayvalues
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