I fear being judged. In particular, I fear people will think I’m stupid, incompetent or boring. I fear that they will come after me with hurtful comments or stab me in the back. These are things I have experienced, from my childhood and adolescence, all the way to recent years. I’ve experienced judgment and hurtful actions in my personal life, and in my professional life.
So how have I handled those fears? What have I done? I have avoided a lot. I artfully doodged (or so I thought) different activities and environments where I have felt more vulnerable to the judgement, whether it is the environment or activity itself or the people around me at the time. I have adjusted what I have said based on what I have thought the others want to hear. I have waited for someone else to take the lead, and then followed. I have sat in silence. I built an armour around me.
You know what happened as I did that? I got further away from me. The me that was fun, smart, funny, creative, and a bit of a badass. As I got further away from me, there were times where I would be confused about was is me and what was my armour. The glimmers of the smart and creative me would come forward in brief flashes of ideas, but they were never acted upon. The armour was immobilizing me. Life got more dull and listless. Connections with people more empty, because it wasn’t me they were connecting with.
But I care about people. I care about my connections with people. I care about being good at what I do, because I care about my clients and the field I work in. I care about experiencing the world and all it has to offer. I got anxious and scared because I care. Negative judgement from others, and actions they may take based on those judgements, threatened what I care about. But in putting all that armour on to protect myself from being seen and judged, I prevented myself from being seen and loved (by myself included).
So I started to shed the armour, in service of the things I care about. Is it scary to shed the armour piece by piece? Yes. Yet as there is discomfort in fear and vulnerability, there has also been comfort in being seen and loved for me. To be heard, and liked for my words and thoughts, not for what I think people want to hear. I still have my fears. Yet I stand with less armour, with anxiety and with excitement. I can move without that heavy armour and I want to see just how much I can move. I am fun. I am smart. I am funny. I am creative. I am a badass.
This piece of writing was inspired by the following webinar, Facing Fear and Shaping Bravery
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