I have seen so many shows, articles and posts, all claiming how a person’s life changed because of changes in weight. The stories create an image of a person being like an ugly caterpillar unwanted by the world, who with weight loss turns into a beautiful butterfly, whose life completely changes in every way. We assume that weight is the only agent involved in change, or the necessary catalyst, whereby the other joys and gains can’t happen without it. But what if that assumption is incorrect? What if there are changes at a thinking, feeling and behavioural level that happen along the way are the main agents, but instead we attribute it all to weight?
I recall watching one of those weight loss shows, probably a decade ago, and a contestant stood out to me. He became one of the fan favourites, and he reported that he was a whole new person because of his weight loss journey. While I didn’t doubt that he changed over his journey, I did wonder if the changes he experienced were being portrayed in an oversimplified way (shocking for a television show to do that, I know). Of course I noticed there was a change in his weight from start to finish, but I also noticed that the way he interacted with people completely changed. At the beginning he would not make eye contact or chat with people, and at times seemed angry. Along his journey he started to make eye contact with people. Started to smile. Started to engage in conversation and show aspects of his personality. As he did so, people approached him more and talked to him, and this positive feedback lured him out more. While weight loss may have assisted him in being able to make that change in interaction, I remember wandering what would have happened if he had engaged in those changes without the weight piece. Would he have experienced the same reinforcing feedback? or would society stay so stuck in it’s weightism, and force him back into having to retreat?
If we make the assumption that significant positive change both physically and mentally is because of changes in weight, it makes sense that weight loss is celebrated and praised. It also makes sense that other assumptions are derived from it, including; weight loss is good, weight loss is an indicator of other positives, and then conversely weight gain is bad.
So what? You may ask. Well, an assumption involves jumping to conclusions based on limited information, and thus there is a margin of error. A fair bit of hurt and destruction can occur in that margin of error in relation to weight assumptions. Imagine being in the following situations;
- You have seen someone that you haven’t seen for some time. They appear to have lost weight. You have thoughts of ‘wow, good for them!’, and your comments and interactions flow from that. But you later find out that the weight loss you observed was due to something else, such as a physical health issue, an eating disorder, stress, or a mental health issue creating loss of appetite.
- You have lost weight, but also had a number of other things happen in your life (good or bad), yet all anyone talks about is your weight.
- You are watching other people respond to a person who has lost weight with praise. You remember the last time you saw that person, you were roughly the same size as them.
- You are a young teen, increasingly becoming aware of your body, and are watching your parents and their friends interact. You notice that they are talking about their own and other peoples bodies, praising weight loss and negatively judging weight gain.
- You decide you want to lose weight in the hopes that in doing so, other changes will follow. But in your journey, nothing else changes. The challenging emotions remain, and your self confidence doesn’t move much.
As you put yourself into each of these examples you may notice some of the assumptions appear, and further thoughts and feelings flow from there. Going back to each of those situations, here are some of the thoughts and feelings that may occur that are connected to the original assumption of weight loss as catalyst for positive change;
- The person who is being praised for the weight loss, that was actually due to something else may feel awkward, and you upon finding out the reason for the weight loss may also feel awkward, and maybe even guilty or embarrassed.
- In the situation where you have lost weight, and had a number of other things happen in your life aside from the weight, you may become disappointed and frustrated by the constant redirection to weight. If it were challenging things that were happening, you may miss out on getting support, and if it were positive things, you may miss out on fully celebrating them.
- In the situation of previously being the same size as the person who has lost weight, your mind might move beyond the weight piece. You may have thoughts of ‘they are happier than me’, or ‘they have got their life put together better than me’.
- As a teen, you might look at your body and compare to those who are having the conversation. Pending where your body lands, you may put yourself in the ‘need to lose weight’ category, and you may have thoughts of ‘what are others thinking about me? Are they talking about me in this way?’.
- In the situation where you lose weight but the other changes don’t happen, you might have thoughts of ‘this isn’t working’, ‘need to lose more’ or ‘there must be something wrong with me’.
As you can see in these examples, the knock on effect of the assumptions attached to weight can be negative. Pending the individuals involved and how they respond to the thoughts and feelings that are evoked, further negatives may follow. Our minds will make assumptions. That is what our minds do. At times assumptions can be helpful little shortcuts. But at other times our actions based on the assumptions can be problematic.
So as we gather (in line with any COVID restrictions of course) be aware of your responses to changes in peoples appearances. Try to stay away from assumptions or making the interaction completely about weight. As we move towards New Years, and the inevitable discussions around New Years resolutions, if you are making a resolution around weight, pause and think- why am I making this resolution? Are there any assumptions driving it, of ‘once I lose weight…’? This is not to take you away from your desire to lose weight, but rather connect with what drives it, and use that as an area for action or measurement. For example, if your desire for weight loss comes from a place wanting to improve health or strength, maybe focus on other measures of health (i.e. improved cardio ability) or strength (i.e. increasing weights).
There is so much more to all of us than just weight. Let us create an environment where those other qualities can shine brighter.
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