We Need to Change the Dialogue

In the work I do, personally and professionally, I talk a lot about and connecting with values and what is important. In a previous post I encouraged people to reflect upon what they identify as making a person ‘good’ in different roles (i.e. what makes a good parent, or good partner or good friend?), to draw attention how the things that are important to us, are often not related to weight (despite what our minds tell us).

Yet the dialogues that happen around us, that we are a part of, impede us from feeling safe to connect with what is important, and in turn genuinely connect with the world and other people. Let us take a moment to think of different ways the dialogue moves towards weight, and away from values and away from creating safety.

Can you recall a time:

• Where you, or someone you know, hadn’t seen someone for awhile, and one of the first comments they make to the person or about them is weight or body related (e.g. ‘you look like you have lost weight.’ or ‘I saw them the other day, and they have really put on some weight’). Here is a person who you haven’t seen in some time, who knows what struggles and successes they may have had in that time, and instead of talking about that the talk moves to weight. It sends a strong message of what is more important- weight is important, not what you have been through since I last saw you.
• Where it is a time of celebration and connection, not surprisingly there is food at that time- as food is often how we celebrate and connect. Instead of talking about enjoying the food, the company and the event- the focus of conversation moves to the weight that may be gained during that time, or the diets a person will need to go on to compensate for what they just ate. Again, weight and diet is moved ahead of the people, connection and celebration.
• Of New Years celebrations and the discussion moves to reflection and new years resolutions, and thus there is discussion around diet, exercise and weight. The success of year is marked by weight and food- not who a person is and the actions they have taken in that year.
• There is a group of people talking, a person who is overweight speaks or tries to speak, only to be quickly cut off, spoken over or laughed at for what they said. The message of, ‘you don’t deserve to speak’ is conveyed.
• A new person is being brought to a group (for example through dating, friendship circles or work) and all eyes move to their body. Later people ask about their thoughts on the new person, and the conversation moves to their weight. Again the message is their weight matters more than who they are as a person.

Some or all of those instances may be familiar to you. You may recall many more that convey similar messages. You may have been hurt by the actions, or you may have been the one driving the conversations. If you were hurt by these kinds of these situations, I send you warmth and compassion, and hope that the experiences didn’t stop you from being you. If you were the one driving the conversations, be gentle on yourself, we have been conditioned to respond in that way and we can always change.

How do we change? That is a hard one to answer, as the context and type of interaction may impact what you can do. If you are someone who usually starts the weight or diet based conversations, please try to refrain and instead move towards other topics of conversation. Show curiosity. Ask what is happening in the person’s life or move the discussion to what they are interested in or shared interests or current affairs or shows/movies or books.

If these styles of interactions are happening around you, you could directly challenge them, or say you don’t feel comfortable with that conversation, or gently divert the conversation away from that topic, or remove yourself from the discussion. Sometimes it is not possible to confront nor change what is happening, and if this occurs, do the next best thing- reach out and connect with the person(s) who may have been hurt by such an interaction. Not out of pity, but out of solidarity. Out of wanting to let them know that they matter, not because of how they look but because of who they are.

Move your interactions towards connecting with people for who they are, and if you aren’t sure who they are, then ask. Find out what brings them joy and lights them up, and connect with that. Everyone has a unique story to tell and something special to give, they just need a space where they can feel safe enough to shine. So let us join together, change the dialogue and create a space to shine.